Saturday, February 14, 2009

Curse of the Coupon

Attention Target Customers. The Lady at Register 4 is Buying Lube.

Do I have your attention?

Yeah, I had quite a few people looking at me. I was mortified, but was proud that instead of running away (which I might have done had I the $12.00 I needed in cash to throw at the cashier) I instead held my head high and smiled.

Oh my God did I smile. I had to. It was either smile like a crazy person or cry.

We are not big Valentine's Day people. Maybe it is a leftover self-defense mechanism from childhood, but I've never seen the importance of it. Matt and I tell each other that we love each other every day. We do things out of the ordinary for each other regularly. We've never needed Hallmark to prescribe when these activities should take place at an exaggerated price.

Sometimes it is hard not to get caught up in the hoopla of the day.

I always try to send my mom something, because I know my dad won't buy her anything. Hell, he probably won't even utter the words "Happy Valentine's Day" and I know it hurts her feelings.

This year, I purchased the little kid tear-apart Valentine's Day cards for Grace to give out at school.

That morphed into the creation of a homemade Valentine's Day heart card, complete with crayon scribble and hand prints, for her to give Matt. Then I decided to add a package of heart shaped peeps to the card as her gift to him.

From there I thought, well, I guess I should give him a card too.

Then I started going through the coupons in the Sunday paper. Guess what I found? A $5.00 off coupon for the new KY His & Hers lube. He he he, I giggled. That would be a funny present for me to give Matt. And so the idea was in my head and the coupon in my purse.

I marched into Target with the single purchase on my mind. For the first time ever, I didn't browse one bit. Straight to the section withe the condoms and lube, under the watchful eyes of the pharmacy staff.

I was bold. I took every single box of the stuff off the shelf to inspect the corners for the best looking one. This was a gift after all. Sure, I got looks from the old ladies looking for laxatives, but so what. I'm an adult. I'm even married with a kid, so keep your eyes to yourself.

Satisfied I had found the best box, it was straight to the registers. The line I picked only had 2 others in front of me, but the lines were building in the lunch hour rush. Within 2 minutes I had 5 people behind me.

At least I'm only getting one item, I thought. I'm everybodys best friend in this line!

I get up the front of the line, and the older woman with the thick Caribbean accent working the register grabs the box and scans.

I swear to God, this is how the next few minutes when, word for word.

That will be $16.92 Miss.
Oh, I have a coupon!
OK. Hmm. It's not scanning. It is for KY lubricant. Is that what your bought?
Umm. Yes.
Oh, OK. OH. OH. I understand. Well, the coupon says it isn't good for trial size. Are you buying a trial size?
Umm. No. I don't think so.
(My nervous giggle starts and I am starting to think I should tell her to forget about the coupon.)
Oh, OK. Well, let me call a manager.
(My face is turning red and the line behind me starts to grumble.)
(She picks the box up and holds it up in the air, waving it back and forth wildly.)
Mike. Mike. MIKE! This lady is buying some KY His & Hers lubricant and the coupon she has isn't working! Mike. Mike!!
(Everyone is now staring at me in the line, and the grumbling is getting louder. I however, figure that the entire store now knows that I am buying lube, so I might as well stick it out for my $5.00 off.)
(Mike now comes over, a early 30's white guy, and is clearly also uncomfortable with the scene too. He quickly works some magic with the register and his managers card. My $5 coupon now works.)
OK, we're all set. That will be $11.84 Miss.
(I hand over my debit card.)
Thank you and have a nice day!

All I have to say is this crap better be worth it. Happy Valentine's Day Matt. This story is now your true present.

Happy Valentine's Day all!


Anonymous said...

Aaaarhg -- TMI, TMI, TMI.

It sounds like an episode of "The Nanny" or "Golden Girls" or both. :)


Matt said...

Next week we'll be covering Matt's use of nipple guards when he runs.