Resolute

I hate making New Year's resolutions. Have I said that before? Yeah, I have.

I make loose resolutions with plenty of wiggle room included. This helps to keep me from failing. This year, as in the past, I don't care about loosing weight. I would be nice, but whatever.

This year, I want to me more ACTIVE.

(So, though I don't necessarily care about the weight thing, this should be a nice side effect.)

So along that line of thought, we signed up for the local Road Runners club. Well, Matt signed up- but I didn't argue. AND I whole hearted agreed to participate.

On January 1st, I ran my first mile in three years. Wait, let me clarify, I power walked up a hill and then ran most of the way down it, which in my mind is better than just running the 1 mile. Plus, I didn't hurt myself like I did last time.

And you know what? It was OK.
And you know what else? I'm going to do it again. Soon.

But you know what I won't be doing anytime soon? This. So don't even ask. It's not even on the radar.

And we will be an active family. That is resolute.

Childhood Dreams

Ten

Nine

Eight

Seven

Six

Five

Four- Manage and Start

Three

Two- Solid Rocket Ignition
One

------Space Shuttle Columbia has Taken Flight

Nature vs Nurture

A few weeks ago Matt was watching The Right Stuff. I could have cared less. It apparently was one of his favorite childhood movies when HBO would show the same 3 movies over and over and over again in the 80's.

(Although I wouldn't know that from experience. My family did have cable until the mid-90's. Not that I'm bitter or anything....)

Anyway - Matt was obsessed with the movie and space flight in general. His childhood dream? To be an astronaut. (I was much more realistic. I wanted to be a ballerina.) So in true Matt fashion, his obsession was full of books and studies on NASA and space craft and rockets.

As I've told you in the past, Grace also has an obsession with all things that move. This has only blossomed over the last year and has grown to include space shuttles now too. Watching the lift-off scenes of the movie was all it too.

Daddy, she begged over and over, again, again! I want to see it again!

And so he played the scenes over and over again for her. Then he pulled up shuttle launches on the internet, which fueled questions about what was happening and oh-my-goodness why parts were falling off??

So- this has become a regular scene at our dinner table. (Thankfully there is usually wine readily available.)

Did you know that NASA has had to cancel the space flight program? There are two more launches scheduled and then the flights will be part of history for the foreseeable future. So we have plans to do what must be done. To live out the childhood dreams of two of my loves.

We MUST go see a real space shuttle take off.

There will be picnics of hamburgers and juice boxes; dances of joy and sorrow; huddling for warmth and love on a beach in Florida this February.

And I can watch the sparkle in both their eyes.

Battle to Conquer

Dieting sucks.

Right now, I am the heaviest I have EVER been. I’ve never been thin. I would poke out an eye to be the size 9 that I was in high school right now, but by high school standards I wasn’t even in the realm of skinny.

I don’t think I gained much weight in my Freshman year of college because I had to walk everywhere. When I moved off campus in Junior year though, ouch, that is a different story. I lived 2 minutes away from a Burger King during the magical time period of The Rodeo Cheeseburger. Mmmmm …. The thought of those things still makes me drool.

They also made my ass expand greatly. Dude- they were a dollar. I ate A LOT of them. And then bought new pants.

While I was pregnant with Grace I lost a ton of weight. I was so careful about everything I put in my body. The last 2-3 months I hardly ate carbs because I knew they would make my blood sugar spike and I was already having a hard enough time keeping still with sky high basal rates on my insulin pump.

The day after I went home from the hospital I put on my pre-pregnancy jeans. They fit. They were big. Hanging off of me big.

Then I stopped eating for about 2 weeks. Not on purpose. I would drink orange juice and force down some crackers, but it was always forced. When I finally realized that not eating wasn't good for my milk supply and therefore not good for Gracie, I started to make myself eat meals again.

Chef Boyardee ravioli. That was the only thing I could think of that sounded good, so that’s what Matt bought me. I ate A LOT of it. And started wearing my maternity pants again.

19 months later, I am 45 pounds heavier than the post-birth low.

Something has to give. Something is going to give. I am on a diet.

So once again, dieting sucks.

I am comfortable enough with my insulin pump these days to make changes whenever I need it so I don’t get low. That is no longer my problem. No longer the excuse I have, the one I've ALWAYS used, for not following though on this.

Now, it is all in my head.

Before writing this post, I just spent 15 minutes planning everything I was going to eat for the day. Despite my larger than normal breakfast this morning, I am starving right now. It is the head game of ignoring the stomach grumbles for the next 2.5 hours until lunch.

I've done well so far this week, but I am only 10 days into this and am already dreaming of pizza.

I will be successful though. I will win. I have to win.

I have to.

Time Marches On

Happy New Year!

I am excited about this New Year, and I think it is because I made a point out of NOT making any resolutions. What is the point?

We all want to loose weight.

We all want to do good things / be better people.

We all want our family and friends to prosper and be happy.

So what is the point of making resolutions that will only feed guilt and disappointment when I inevitably fail? We all falter, so why put quantification on the next 365 days?

I still have goals for 2009, though they are much more flexible and subjective this year.

1) I want to remember to spend more time living in the moment.

Grace is learning so fast and growing so quickly. Her vocabulary is ever expanding and each day she is steadier on her legs.

Yesterday she took 12 consecutive steps a few times. Tomorrow it will be even more. A few months from now she will be running around the house and into my arms. A few years from now she will be running out of the house and away from us.

Yesterday Matt and I were discussing plans for our basement. He thinks we should build another bedroom down there so when Grace is older she can have more space.

I freaked.

More space? More space!! Hell no. She is staying upstairs.

I want to slow down, calm down and appreciate that she is tugging on my pants to be held.

2) I want to drink more water.

OK, that does fall along the lines of a 'resolution', but I really don't expect myself to. I won't feel like a failure if I don't.

I hate water and am a Diet Coke junkie.

However, I am starting to see creases in my face (I refuse to call them wrinkles at 30) to accompany my ever expanding colony of silver hair and figure that if I can just start drinking A LITTLE bit more more during the week they will fill in and go away.